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Not everyone is familiar with Doug The Quahog, the mollusk who, every year on June 21st, predicts how many sunny days will be in store for Cape Cod’s upcoming summer season.
Some might think Doug sounds like the Bivalve (“Not that there’s anything wrong with that”) version of Punxsutawney Phil, the famous groundhog who pontificates about the arrival of spring.
There is one major difference. Not many people want to butter up groundhogs and eat them while also enjoying a frosty beverage.
My name is “Lead Dog” and I work with a highly skilled security team. Our job may sound simple: protect Doug so he can do his job before reaching someone’s dinner table. But this is Cape Cod, people. We devour quahogs like the Cookie Monster devours, well, cookies.
So you can imagine how extremely stressful it is to protect not serve this quahog. Seriously, do you know how easy it is for someone to conceal a bottle of hot sauce at this event?
I have to constantly keep my four eyes focused. I can’t even trust children. One time, a little girl from New Orleans was getting her picture taken with Doug. I was enjoying what I thought was a tender tourist moment when I heard her say, “You look really cute, but you’d look even cuter fried.”
Yes, it turned out she was a big fan of Po’ boys. I had let my guard down and was feeling ashamed like Clint Eastwood’s character Frank Horrigan from In The Line of Fire.
Fortunately, Chris “The Mussel” Kazarian was there to take on the pint- sized Malkovich wanna-be and send her across the street to a clam shack. The Mussel had my back. But this year, he has taken a security assignment elsewhere. There is also an ugly rumor that The Mussel has gone to the dark side. I heard his detail is to drive Justin Bieber around The Biebs’ gated community so the talented egg-thrower can have some more fun with his neighbors.
I honestly hope it’s not true and it’s just social media running amuck. The prospect of not having his reinforcement has caused some sleepless nights as I prepare for this Saturday.
But Cape Cod Chamber of Commerce Chief Executive Officer Wendy K. Northcross and VP of Marketing Kristen Mitchell Hughes have assured me that this year’s Head of Security Ben Sargent, from the Cooking Channel’s Hook, Line & Dinner, is more than qualified for the task.
I admire all the hard work that Wendy and Kristen do for Cape Cod, but this decision is beyond suspicious.
Don’t get me wrong, Ben is a great guy from a fantastic show. No doubt. I watch him regularly.
But he’s from a cooking show! A celebrity chef is expected to have the best interest of Doug? I don’t think so! Sargent’s best interest is how to incorporate a Doug recipe into his next cookbook.The hiring process for Head of Security appears to be as lax as background checks at C.T.U. on the show 24.
So, I have a message on behalf of the rest of my intrepid security team. Know this Mr. Sargent, although I’ve been passed over yet again for the head job, it’s not jealousy that fuels me and our team of security guards. It’s the desire to protect one of Cape Cod’s newest and treasured gems – Doug The Quahog. I will follow your lead that day, but I will be keeping my eyes on you.
I will also keep them on Johnny Quahog AKA The Quahog Whisperer. He is the only person who can communicate with Doug. But there is a reason I don’t completely trust Johnny. He bears a striking resemblance to the owner of two local restaurants featuring the word “Quahog” in their name, and known for the best stuffed quahogs on the Cape. One of those restaurants will be right across the street from this year’s event. Further cause for suspicion...
So yes, it will be stressful, but I have to remind myself I’m paying my dues and one of these days, I will eventually be top hog.